Listen to the thoughts as they pass through pale oblivion

sinister thoughts dancing in the air, sparking sparkling thoughts as you lounge behind soft resistant raindrops
scoop towers of firefly wings into familiar variables
whisper to the winds through the empty window panes and fog the glass with your meager, your eager breath
the finished works are worth the wait as you eat your words and bite them through
every new mistake dawns on your soul as black and blue
untrue rewinding machines feign instant clarity
the cost becomes your eyes
the gift becomes useless as you devour the knowledge you acknowledge you've gained in hindsight
re-learned through years of monotonous repetitive existing experience
your voice becomes a subtle inconvenience as your bitterness towards your inadequacy plays a sheep in wolf's skin, mimicking the plight of the predator
retreating into hazy bewilderment when self-discovery leaves you blind
kahlo eyebrows block your sight
yield to the sands of time
an hourglass flipping, tossed in the dark, shattering against a wall of reprise
mememememememememememememememe
the universe
menmenmenmenmenmenmenmenmenmenmen
my captors
moremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremore
more metaphors
sorry kids, I'm out.

Unlike you, I am not pretending...

So the song of the day today is Kate Havenvick's "Unlike Me" the "acapella" version. I've decided that it would be a suitable song to die to. (I have the worst toothache of my life right now and although normally I bear through headaches and other ailments without pain pills because I HATE -no, seriously... HATE!- them, I decided today that my poor self couldn't handle it and took 4 generic tylenol... then half an hour later was still writhing in pain and took four more so now I'm feeling pretty decent although I'm also kind of fearing internal bleeding...so if I die... I won't regret hearing a stupid song like soldier boy as the last earthly music that graces my soul...
Any other hypochondriacs in the house should keep a copy of that song handy in case the worst presents itself!
Ugh, this is not getting any easier, and I'm typing all funky. You guys may not notice because I'm trying to catch myself so if it doesn't always work and I offend your eyesight and grasp of the english language I apologize...
Ok... I thought I would take this opportunity to say something important but my train of thought is just not cooperating... if I die... well... all I can say is... thank god.

Help, I have done it... again...

So I've been listening to Sia's "Breathe Me" all day... I can't get it out of my head. I'm sure listening to it obsessively doesn't help a whole lot but it's sooooo pretty... It really kinda depresses me in a way though... It's like if I let myself listen too hard, I just kinda put myself right in her place and it gets overwhelming because I'm just that kind of a douche bag...
Even douche bags get lonely sometimes... You'd just have to be there I guess...

Be my friend.
Hold me.
Wrap me up.
Unfold me.
I am small..
and needy.
Warm me up...
and breathe me...

Yeah, so I just listened to the chorus and thought I would note that...
Maybe it depresses me because it's fucking DEPRESSING!!!
Just a thought...

Anyway... Sia= Genius.
Amanda= Dumbass because she started to spell "genius" "GI."
hah.

The God of Destruction

So I just spent like a half an hour trying to remember how to log into this damn blog... I'm so horrible about these things. I've probably got four thousand profiles I don't remember how to log into cluttering up cyberspace. Oh well, I guess it's expendable, right? It's not like I have to feel like shit when I get junk mail, because it's not responsible for the massive destruction of the forests... I don't have to recycle spam, I just have to click "delete" and the very substance of its entire existence becomes obsolete. I become totally responsible for taking something out of existence completely.
I become the God of Spam Destruction.
You know, until the same bullshit ad pops up a week later in a different format.
But besides that, who cares? You're the god! You can remove it totally! Just like if I were to decide this blog was no longer worthy of your pretty little eyes... I could delete it. And you would have no chance at ever seeing these words again for as long as you live unless you decided beforehand that it's important enough to save separately and print, which none of you are pathetically in love with me enough to do- in fact, I don't have any readers as far as I know so who am I to say that anybody but myself will EVER read these things? If I wanted to cop out and go "Myspace Blog," I could and I know I'd have a bunch of people interested, but I'm not looking for that... I guess I want somewhere unbiased to vent. And what's the point of publicly writing something semi-personal or "too serious" when you know exactly what kind of reaction you're going to get? That doesn't strike me as an activity worth my time any more. I guess I just don't care anymore about who thinks what, and I need something to do to keep me busy and balanced and a little alone with the off chance of attracting someone's attention. I really couldn't give less of a fuck who I attract, because all the best things seem to happen accidentally and I don't have room in my mind for people I don't care about...
I'm so positive.
Anyway, I got pissed off today because I was trying to edit my profile on afterellen.com and when I tried to hit submit to save the changes, it took me to this page that said "access denied" and I couldn't do anything about it. And stupid me forgot to save what all I wrote even though the same thing happened yesterday!
Jesus Christ.
The dog just chewed up the inside sleeve of my coat.
This is really turning out to be my day.
Or night.
Or something.
God I'm bored.