Listen to the thoughts as they pass through pale oblivion

sinister thoughts dancing in the air, sparking sparkling thoughts as you lounge behind soft resistant raindrops
scoop towers of firefly wings into familiar variables
whisper to the winds through the empty window panes and fog the glass with your meager, your eager breath
the finished works are worth the wait as you eat your words and bite them through
every new mistake dawns on your soul as black and blue
untrue rewinding machines feign instant clarity
the cost becomes your eyes
the gift becomes useless as you devour the knowledge you acknowledge you've gained in hindsight
re-learned through years of monotonous repetitive existing experience
your voice becomes a subtle inconvenience as your bitterness towards your inadequacy plays a sheep in wolf's skin, mimicking the plight of the predator
retreating into hazy bewilderment when self-discovery leaves you blind
kahlo eyebrows block your sight
yield to the sands of time
an hourglass flipping, tossed in the dark, shattering against a wall of reprise
mememememememememememememememe
the universe
menmenmenmenmenmenmenmenmenmenmen
my captors
moremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremore
more metaphors
sorry kids, I'm out.

Unlike you, I am not pretending...

So the song of the day today is Kate Havenvick's "Unlike Me" the "acapella" version. I've decided that it would be a suitable song to die to. (I have the worst toothache of my life right now and although normally I bear through headaches and other ailments without pain pills because I HATE -no, seriously... HATE!- them, I decided today that my poor self couldn't handle it and took 4 generic tylenol... then half an hour later was still writhing in pain and took four more so now I'm feeling pretty decent although I'm also kind of fearing internal bleeding...so if I die... I won't regret hearing a stupid song like soldier boy as the last earthly music that graces my soul...
Any other hypochondriacs in the house should keep a copy of that song handy in case the worst presents itself!
Ugh, this is not getting any easier, and I'm typing all funky. You guys may not notice because I'm trying to catch myself so if it doesn't always work and I offend your eyesight and grasp of the english language I apologize...
Ok... I thought I would take this opportunity to say something important but my train of thought is just not cooperating... if I die... well... all I can say is... thank god.

Help, I have done it... again...

So I've been listening to Sia's "Breathe Me" all day... I can't get it out of my head. I'm sure listening to it obsessively doesn't help a whole lot but it's sooooo pretty... It really kinda depresses me in a way though... It's like if I let myself listen too hard, I just kinda put myself right in her place and it gets overwhelming because I'm just that kind of a douche bag...
Even douche bags get lonely sometimes... You'd just have to be there I guess...

Be my friend.
Hold me.
Wrap me up.
Unfold me.
I am small..
and needy.
Warm me up...
and breathe me...

Yeah, so I just listened to the chorus and thought I would note that...
Maybe it depresses me because it's fucking DEPRESSING!!!
Just a thought...

Anyway... Sia= Genius.
Amanda= Dumbass because she started to spell "genius" "GI."
hah.

The God of Destruction

So I just spent like a half an hour trying to remember how to log into this damn blog... I'm so horrible about these things. I've probably got four thousand profiles I don't remember how to log into cluttering up cyberspace. Oh well, I guess it's expendable, right? It's not like I have to feel like shit when I get junk mail, because it's not responsible for the massive destruction of the forests... I don't have to recycle spam, I just have to click "delete" and the very substance of its entire existence becomes obsolete. I become totally responsible for taking something out of existence completely.
I become the God of Spam Destruction.
You know, until the same bullshit ad pops up a week later in a different format.
But besides that, who cares? You're the god! You can remove it totally! Just like if I were to decide this blog was no longer worthy of your pretty little eyes... I could delete it. And you would have no chance at ever seeing these words again for as long as you live unless you decided beforehand that it's important enough to save separately and print, which none of you are pathetically in love with me enough to do- in fact, I don't have any readers as far as I know so who am I to say that anybody but myself will EVER read these things? If I wanted to cop out and go "Myspace Blog," I could and I know I'd have a bunch of people interested, but I'm not looking for that... I guess I want somewhere unbiased to vent. And what's the point of publicly writing something semi-personal or "too serious" when you know exactly what kind of reaction you're going to get? That doesn't strike me as an activity worth my time any more. I guess I just don't care anymore about who thinks what, and I need something to do to keep me busy and balanced and a little alone with the off chance of attracting someone's attention. I really couldn't give less of a fuck who I attract, because all the best things seem to happen accidentally and I don't have room in my mind for people I don't care about...
I'm so positive.
Anyway, I got pissed off today because I was trying to edit my profile on afterellen.com and when I tried to hit submit to save the changes, it took me to this page that said "access denied" and I couldn't do anything about it. And stupid me forgot to save what all I wrote even though the same thing happened yesterday!
Jesus Christ.
The dog just chewed up the inside sleeve of my coat.
This is really turning out to be my day.
Or night.
Or something.
God I'm bored.

Homosexual Synonym

a piece of the pie-chart,
first red and now blue
a taste of the rainbow,
first here now removed
a god whispers admissions
appears in your food...

-yeah, that's rational.-

the contemporary vanity,
a golden cross to dress
the utter lack of sanity
lays a 15 year old to rest

a shirt tie-dyed in water
pinned hanging in the sun
stained with blood and rainbow tears
the battle's just begun

a sickened soul stands challenging
the first down to the last
a mother stands, joins the machine
and must mourn the next attack

the happy days renounce the haze
of opinions before truth
the personal maze of hazardous days
become as political as the ruse

my unheralded praise of a remodeling age
magnifies then withers with loss
my bewilderment stays in focus and plays
on my fears and my freedom's cost

I wonder these days: if I'm led astray,
then what's the problem really about?
Am I so immoral that even the fucking
rapists will beat me out?

Am I such a threat that even the abusive
husbands are handed these things
way before any such "scandalous whore"
as myself could be exchanging those rings?

Am I really such sleaze that even the free
won't nourish my need for reform?
Does it really make sense to consider the "blessed"
the ones causing us all of this harm?

And isn't it true that pedophiles too,
may exchange vows and reproduce?
But you're telling me that none of these things
is worse than the rainbow enhancing my bruise?

Proposition 8???? More Like Proposition HATE. (Oh look, I made a funny...sigh.)

So I just got done reading on the amazing site Afterellen.com about the proposition 8 bullshit. I can't fucking believe that!!!! I mean, how long has it been since the rights for gays to get married has been instated in California, and now they're taking it away already because some religious zealouts happened to raise enough in their goddamn bakesale?
Fuck!
I'll bet that half the couples that got married in that like two days they could haven't even finished the leftovers from the fucking receptions, you know? What the hell, people, WHAT THE HELL!!?!?
But no.
They're doing our souls a FAVOR, right?
By denying us all the basic civil rights and breaching the entire constitution they are somehow helping humanity.
Hah!
Well let me ask you this you fucking lunatics.
We're so immoral, so wrong, right? We don't deserve the air we breathe, right?
Well, how is it that we're the only "immoral" group of people not allowed to get married?
Rapists can marry, providing they're straight.
Abusive men can marry women and beat the hell out of them and play mind games with them for as long as they live. And the law isn't obligated to warn the second wife if the first one gets out.
But that's OK. It's straight so it's fine.
Convicted pedophiles are allowed to marry and have children of their own.

Now please, tell me how that's better than a gay couple who love each other wanting to spend the rest of their lives together?

Tell me how it's better for a pedophile to have children than for a couple who are mentally and financially stable giving privilege and love to a child who needs it?

Makes total sense.

The only way to end this is to separate church from state once and for all. Sure there'll be a few pissy preachers out there but this is ridiculous. We need to take a look at the original set of rules and take back our freedom. We should NOT be denied any rights simply because we don't fit the molds certain people try to set for us. It's ridiculous.

We need to fight harder than we ever had while we have a president in office who might actually listen.

Yawn...

It is early.
Toast is good.
I'm out of apple juice.
:(

I Heart Apple Juice!

As a side note I thought I would add that I love apple juice.
In fact, if I had to choose between the unbecoming side effects of too much AJ as opposed to too much alcohol... well... I would still rather have the apple juice.
Yeah.
Chew on that.

Barack Obama...

...just got elected President. The first black man ever to be in office. It's a fucking landmark, and I'm giddy as a school-girl. Not only because there will undoubtedly be major, MAJOR improvements on so many fronts, but also because so much has been overcome to get to this point. I know that it will take much more for a woman to ever be in office, and I know that social reform is something that I'll be striving to see for my whole life. As long as there is breath in my body, there will be suffering in this world and country that hasn't been analyzed nearly as well as it should be, and people that are crying out for a voice.
I need to be that voice. We all need to be that voice.

Blue Stars Fading Tonight...

So I voted today!!! I'm fucking excited. I feel like such a part of things. And at the same time I have this nervous lump in the pit of my stomach. I swear, if my man Obama doesn't make it in I'm seriously going to cry. Or vomit. Or an uncomely combination of the two. I wish that I didn't have to be so worried about it, but there's no way not to worry. Another 4 years of being jobless and without health insurance might seriously kill me. No joke. I could totally freaking die.
And another thing- I have had this insane fear of automobiles for the majority of my life. It's a hindering phobia, preventing me from ever getting my license and today I finally uncovered the root of it all. My aunt revealed to me that a certain irresponsible grandparent of mine that shall remain nameless (as though it mattered, I don't know anyone on here anyway but eh, you never know...) allowed me to lock myself in her car at a gas station as a very young child and I didn't know how to unlock the doors and a.) let her in or b.) escape the ominous death-trap. Knowing me I was more anxious to do the latter. But now I understand a few of my fears and can hope to overcome them now! I had a flashback as I wrote about it and so my claustrophobia and constant need to be aware of all things around me (there's a word for that I can't think of right now, probably because I just learned it like a week ago and haven't absorbed it yet...) have a root! Yay! I'm not just some freak who picks random things to fear, my fears are founded! So now I know I'm more rational than a conservative republican homophobe. Go me!!!

Someday this will be of yore, haha...

Today is the first day of the rest of your lives. How many times is that stupid quote going to circle my head? Why do I wanna spend time thinking about how I'm going to spend the rest of my life when I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow? Well, technically since I count tomorrow as the time span between the time I wake up once I fall asleep and the time I deem worthy to finally fall asleep again, I will be voting tomorrow. For the first time ever! I'm pumped, thank you Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Without you, my opinion would mean nothing...
Anyway, I just wanted to mention that.
I'm so excited though. It's like this mounting bubble of anticipation.
I'm voting!
I'm going to make a difference!
If Obama wins, I will have consciously contributed to making the country I live in a better place. And god knows we need all the help we can get, right? I mean jesus..............
It would have been nice on feminist standards if I could vote for a woman, but even so, any change from the typical republican "god-sent" right-wing conservative is a step in the right direction...
And isn't it wonderful that by typing that I almost fear in the back of my head that I shouldn't be-like big brother is somehow gonna get the memo and get me while I sleep? I mean, I may just be paranoid but who's to say that I'm actually free to have my own opinion on the matter when I can't even get married in a church that would be ready and willing to perform the services, except for the fact that the government isn't giving the f*cking go-ahead? How the hell does THAT make sense? You let me know and I'll thank you.
And another thing that makes me mad is all the people who are actually voting republican again after experiencing first-hand all the misery we've been sharing for the past 8 years. Isn't that enough? You want more proof that you're f*cking morons? Well then go ahead, force the people who actually understand the debated to suffer for your ignorance. You know what we need? Stat? A t.v. station- "Politics for dummies" where all the issues are broken down into 1st grade level sentences that even f*cking george dubblyuh would understand. I swear to god... Someone like an unbiased Mr. Rogers making sense of all those big words the ignorant conservative people are too lazy to f*cking google, and maybe even pushing the idea that all people are really people, no matter what they look like or believe. I mean, isn't that the point of all the stories you were read as a child, assuming you attended a public school... that's another thing we need... more emphasis on ethics from grade one... there's nothing we're going to do about that though, who wants our tax dollars going to acceptance and compassion when we can spend it on guns to kill the "diaper heads", right?
grrrrr.........
I wish I had more power. Things have so much unmet potential for good.